


Tactical Retreat

by daedalusdavinci



Category: Homestuck
Genre: ADHD Character, Alternate Universe - Medieval, Alternative Universe - Kingdom, Asexual Character, Blood and Injury, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kingdomstuck, Knight Karkat, M/M, Medievalstuck, Non-Graphic Violence, Panic Attacks, Trans Character, dave is whatever the opposite of a manic pixie dream girl is, i think as far as tws go uhhh, i wont elaborate, idk if any of it will come up but i want u all to know this is an allo/allistic unsafe space, none of it shld b too too descriptive but! read at ur own discretion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:02:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29385288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daedalusdavinci/pseuds/daedalusdavinci
Summary: If you spend your entire life working toward something, just to find out it wasn't what you wanted, is it even worth it to give it up? Or have you come too far to stop now? If you know you have a duty to something, but the idea of filling it out makes you so scared you feel sick, is it wrong to run away?A knight who wanted to help everyone falls in love with a farmer who ran from everything. When their worst fears rise to the surface, their relationship is the one thing that still feels safe.Also known as, "We Are Farmers: Bum Ba Dum Bum Bum Ba Bum"
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

The knights’ quarters were abuzz with rustling, clanking, and chatter as the guards got ready for the day. One jostled another as they joked about what assignments they might get, while yet another knight struggled with the straps of her armor and swore in circles. Even though Karkat was used to the daily routine, he still managed to be one of the prickliest ones of the group, exhausted from getting up at the typical ungodly hour and even more irritable from the sheer amount of noise he was immediately faced with. If there was one thing knights were lacking in, it was peace and quiet.

The process of getting up felt miserable, and so did the trek to the dining hall so they could get breakfast while the captain handed out assignments for the day. On all sides, his boneheaded coworkers shoved each other, pulled uncomfortably on their chainmail, and teased each other about who’d end up with the lamest assignment. As if it was actually any wonder.

According to most of the testosterone-fueled idiots he worked alongside, Karkat probably had the lamest job. Most of the knights preferred to be in the middle of the action, catching thieves, protecting the royals, and hanging around the city where there was more crime and more people to socialize with. But, after several years on the job, Karkat honestly found those kinds of assignments to be the worst. He didn’t take any pleasure in jailing people driven to desperation or getting in fights with folks on the streets who didn’t have half the training he did. Nor was he a huge fan of city jobs. It was loud and crowded, and it was easy to get overwhelmed or give himself a headache in the midst of it. He wasn’t much for socializing with the locals, either.

Personally, Karkat was totally fine with taking all the boring jobs. Usually, he got landed with the same route around some of the farm towns on the edge of the kingdom, where the biggest problem was pest control and helping a farmer load up something particularly heavy onto a cart. Because the kingdom of Prospit put so much money behind agriculture, farm communities tended to be more stable. Sending knights out into the countryside was more about making sure help was around on the off chance that they needed it. There wasn’t much to do besides just… help the community with whatever they needed, which was more Karkat’s speed anyway. It was why he’d become a knight, after all.

Today, he had no doubt he’d get the usual job. All the buzz this morning was about the budding rebellion in Derse and many of the knights were already clamoring for jobs on border patrol. With the rumors of stray raiders taking advantage of the chaos, no one would even think about asking for Karkat’s boring job.

Their rival kingdom, Derse, had always been known for its secrecy, violence, and crimes. In Prospit, Derse was treated more like a bedtime story designed to scare children into being good than a real place. People talked in whispers about the cold, dark mountain Derse sat upon and the equally cold people who lived there, with skin like snow and vibrant eyes that glowed in the night, like something that had crawled back up out of the grave. It was more myth and monster than a real place; just a war story from Prospit’s ancient history. With the kingdom valuing knowledge and military power so much, their culture, people, and land had always been extremely guarded, leaving room for speculation and wild rumors that only seemed to get worse with each silent year. For many of the knights, going up against any Dersites probably seemed like a fairytale wherein they starred as the brave heroes that took down foreign demons.

It was disgusting. While it was hard to know anything about the internal affairs of Derse, they’d all seen the refugees fleeing the kingdom and heard of the current oppressive regime, the stories of high crime rates, and the massive gangs. Karkat still remembered all too clearly the day the knights of Derse had pounded on the castle door and demanded an audience with Prospit’s king and the rumors of the lost Dersite prince that had immediately started circling after. In the immigrant towns on the fringes of Prospit, you could hear the farmers talk in hushed voices late at night about the new princess of Derse, and their hopes that she’d finally turn things around for the families they’d left behind. Though no one said anything about it now, Karkat still remembered the early days when they’d mourned the prince, popularly thought to be murdered by the current king. As of a result of the violent and secretive history of Derse, Derse had no allies. But there were people there, raising families, doing their jobs, and living their lives as best as they could. Human beings- not monsters- fought for their lives and for their freedom, and it seemed all anyone could do in Prospit was glorify the idea of getting involved.

At least there were a _few_ sane people left in the guard. As they ate breakfast and waited for their assignments, one of the Daves elbowed him in the side, leaning in to mutter around a mouthful of ham, “Dude, I think Justin might actually cream himself if he gets put on border control.” Crow, as most people called him, was one of the few people in the guard who still seemed to have his head screwed on straight. While he wasn’t necessarily Karkat’s favorite person, Karkat could at least count on him as someone to commiserate with.

Karkat snorted, bumping him back out of his space. “I bet you tonight’s cleanup that he and the bonehead brigade get it and chest bump over it.”

“Done.”

“Are you going to try and get babysitting- I mean, guard duty again?”

Crow shrugged. “Yeah, probably. No one wants it, and somebody’s gotta keep his royal highness from TPing the turrets again.”

“Have fun with that.”

“Vantas!” The captain eyed him over the pack, looking bored.

“Banished to Hicksville,” Crow muttered under his breath.

Karkat elbowed him.

“I’m adding some extra towns to your usual route. With the camps at the borders right now, we’re spread a little thin, so I’m gonna need you to cover more today.” She made some mark on her paper, already moving onto the next person.

“ _Extra_ Hicksville. Very cool,” Crow said.

Karkat elbowed him again, harder, and called back, “Yes, Captain!”

It was about what he’d expected. With everyone at the border, of course he’d have to take on some extra work.

It was a fine job, but all the same, he couldn’t help but be a little disappointed. His route was familiar and the add-on would be easy, but adding extra would mean getting to the last town even later than usual. Today, of all days, he really didn’t want to get there late.

The last town on his route was actually the hometown of an old childhood friend. Not only had he grown up spending time in that town, but he’d also spent a lot of his time over the past few years there. All of his best friends lived there, and today he’d kind of been hoping he’d get to spend more time with them.

Well, one of them.

It wasn’t as though he couldn’t just stay later, but if he _got_ there later, everyone would probably already be done with work and hanging out, and it’d be harder to get anyone alone. Plus, Sollux would have time to gather rocks.

There was nothing he could do about it, though. People needed his help, and he’d have to be there to give it, however long it took. That was what he’d always wanted, after all. Friends would just have to wait.

By the time he got to the small, rural town on the edge of Prospit, the sky was already turning pink. Windows were beginning to glow softly with firelight, and even before he got onto the main street, he could hear the hum of laughter and people talking after a hard day’s work. On a house close to the town’s entrance, Karkat could see the silhouettes of two people outlined against the sky, perched on top of the roof. 

“Look who’s come back for more verbal abuse,” a lisping voice drawled, loud enough for Karkat to hear. A pebble sailed through the air with perfect accuracy, bouncing off of Karkat’s helmet with a little _plink!_ “Go back to your golden palace, you beefed up lapdog.” 

“Hi Karkat!” the other silhouette called, waving excitedly to him. “You’re late!”

Though the sun made it hard to make them out, Karkat knew with absolute certainty that that had to be Sollux and Aradia. He’d known them both since he was young, and he’d know their voices anywhere. “Hey, assholes. Watch the fucking horse, would you? I get it if we have to go through this whole ritualistic bullying every day so you can sleep with yourself at night, but what the fuck did Sir Gaseous the Third ever do to you?”

“I’m above the law,” Sollux replied, and hit him square in the helmet with another pebble. “You can’t silence me with your shitty pleas to humanity that we both know neither of us have.”

“Is he actually knighted?” Aradia wondered.

“Yeah. John thought it would be funny.” The roof was low enough that when Karkat rode up alongside it, he could just reach out and slap one of Sollux’s shoes.

“Assault! He’s assaulting me. You see this? This is brutality in action. They abuse their power to scare us into submission, but I won’t be silenced.” Three more pebbles bounced off of Karkat’s head.

“That’s great,” Aradia said, scooching down to the edge of the roof and squatting there, peering over the edge at Karkat and his horse. “So what took you so long?”

“They added onto my route. The whole Derse thing, y’know? They’re spreading us pretty thin to make sure there’s no threat, but I don’t really think it’s going to be an issue. Derse is pretty far. Prospit seems kind of out of the way.” Karkat ignored the onslaught of pebbles, instead focusing on Aradia.

“Oh yeah. I don’t know, Prospit is pretty well known for our agriculture, and we don’t have a very strong military. If they’re looking for food, this could be a good place. The farms are close to the edge of the kingdom and it can’t be that hard to give border patrol the slip.”

“I’m looking at Prospit military right now and I think I could take it,” Sollux said.

“Karkat’s bicep is bigger than your head,” Aradia told him.

“And his penis is smaller than my toe. I’ve got this.”

“I’ll pull you off this roof,” Karkat threatened.

“You could, but then I’d die, and Dave and Aradia would be sad, and then you’d feel bad.”

“Actually, I’ve been planning my funeral outfit for this for a while,” Aradia said.

“Wow. Words hurt, AA.”

“I’m thinking Dave and I could have nice, matching lace veils.” She tapped her chin thoughtfully.

“Where is Dave, anyway?” Karkat cut in. “Usually, he’s collecting the rocks for Sollux.”

“He’s working late. So fucking inconsiderate of him, I know,” Sollux said, finally handing off the rest of his rocks to Aradia, who began lining them up on the roof. “I had to collect these all on my own.”

“We finished ages ago, but he’s still out in the fields. If you give me your horse, you could probably go out and try to catch him,” Aradia suggested.

Karkat wasn’t a fan of the way she said, “give me,” as though she was planning on _keeping_ the horse. Still, he said, “Yeah, okay. But you’re going to have to get down from there so you can take the reins.” 

“Cool.”

Karkat slid off of his horse, pulling off his helmet while he watched Aradia make her way down from the roof. Sollux followed behind her, and as they got closer to his level, he could finally make them out against the bright sky.

Sollux had the look of a half-finished 3rd grade art project. He was bony, tall, and awkward, like someone had stretched skin over a bunch of tinkertoys and rubber bands. His hair was choppy and stuck up everywhere, like a kid had come at it with scissors, and his vitiligo made him look like he’d only half been colored in, with shocks of white going through his black hair and tan skin. It spread out from the middle of his face and his hands, mirrored just imperfectly enough to drive him a little insane. And then, as if all of that wasn’t enough, he had one blue eye and one red, each vibrant enough that it looked almost cartoonish.

Aradia wasn’t particularly short or particularly tall, but both Karkat and Sollux still stood a good head above her. That, coupled with the fact that everything about her just seemed a little too big for her body, always made her feel much shorter than she actually was. She was stocky and strong, with big hair, big eyes, a big nose, and a big smile. She had big emotions, big interests, and big… weirdness, honestly. That was the best way Karkat could think to put it. Despite how much time she spent around corpses, the late sunlight made her look like an angel, giving her brown skin a beautiful glow and making her dark brown eyes look that much richer. But then, she never did look happier or more stunning than when she was knee-deep in mud, triumphantly holding up another fossil for her collection.

Aradia dropped down the last few feet to the ground, coming to take the reins from Karkat. “Perfect. I’ll go put him up and you can go track down the treefrog.”

“He’s gotta be close to done by now,” Sollux mused, dropping down after her. “I wonder what’s taking so long.”

“Some days are just longer than others,” Aradia said, shrugging. “Or maybe he dropped the bucket in the well again.”

“Probably that.” 

“Probably.”

Karkat pulled off his gauntlets and stuck them in the saddlebag with his helmet before Aradia could make off with his horse. “I guess I’ll find out. Are you going to come with me, or do you and Aradia have more rock-throwing related plans?” he asked Sollux.

“Unfortunately, you’re not the only victim in my life. I hope you can understand,” Sollux said, patting his bicep.

“I always knew I was a side chick.” Karkat bumped him playfully, just hard enough to make him stumble a little. “I’ll see you guys later, then.”

Sollux bumped him back, hard, dodging his elbow and jogging after Aradia, who had already started to lead the horse away. “Later, asshole.”

“Bye!” Aradia called, waving back at him.

“Bye.”

As he watched the two of them head off with his horse, he wondered if maybe he’d been lucky to end up a little late today after all. Although he loved Aradia and Sollux dearly and wanted to spend time with them, he really just wanted to get Dave alone today. More often than he’d like to admit, he wanted time with Dave, but after the previous night it felt especially important. If this was a gift horse, he wasn’t going to look it in the mouth.

Maybe Aradia had done it on purpose. Had Dave said something to her? The thought kind of just made him more nervous.

But, steeling his nerves, he started off in the direction of Dave’s farm.

It wasn’t really Dave’s farm. The farm actually belonged to a pair of older folks who had taken Dave in when he moved here in exchange for some younger, sturdier hands. Still, he’d lived there so long it was hard not to think of it as his home, even if he claimed it was just a temporary place until he had enough money to move again. For as long as Karkat had known him, he’d been plowing fields and weeding plants, and Sollux and Aradia had known him even longer. It was hard to imagine him anywhere else.

Like most farms, it was outside the main part of town, just far enough that Karkat missed his horse, just a little bit. The fields Dave usually tended to stretched across rolling hills, with the farmhouse visible on the top of the nearest one. Karkat could see Sollux’s family’s bee farm close by, with its rows of little houses. Further off, he could see Aradia’s farm, with the small figures of his friends and his horse making the trek up to it. With most people in the heart of the town, it was quiet out here, with only the faint sounds of rustling grass and frogs beginning to croak down in the stream.

There was no immediate sign of Dave, or sound of him, either. Karkat wondered if maybe Dave had snuck by him without noticing somehow, or he had finished and just hadn’t come and found Sollux and Aradia yet. It was kind of lame, how nervous he felt already. He’d spent all day thinking about what he’d say to Dave, and now that he was here, his mind was a blank mess. It got worse the longer he poked around the farm, feeling like an idiot for being unable to find him and already anticipating the walk of shame back down to the village.

“Karkat, your armor clanks so loud I could tell it was you from a mile away.”

Karkat froze, turning toward the voice that was coming from the opposite direction he’d been walking in. He could feel embarrassment burning in his cheeks as he realized Dave had just been listening to him stomp around hopelessly this whole time. “Yeah, well, not all of us are _trying_ to camouflage ourselves and hide from our friends. You’ve just been letting me walk circles around you this whole time.”

“Maybe a little.” Dave sounded more amused than Karkat thought he had any right to. A pale hand stuck up out of the grass where he was apparently laying, outstretched toward Karkat.

Offended by the implication that he wouldn’t have been able to find Dave without the extra help, but grateful for it nonetheless, Karkat tromped through the grass that bordered the field until he could see Dave. He slapped his hand into Dave’s, ignoring the way the corner of Dave’s mouth appeared to twitch upward, and plopped down next to him on the ground. “You’re a dick,” he told him.

“Yeah, but you’re still here.” Dave squeezed his hand, before lacing their fingers together.

Karkat hated that he managed to look so stunning even now, stretched out in the grass with an arm folded behind his head, covered head to toe in dirt and still in his torn and old work clothes. The knees of his pants were muddy and dark, and even his blindfold had dirt smudged on it, but all Karkat could think about was how badly he’d like to use the dirt as an excuse to touch his cheek. Karkat didn’t need to see his eyes to be in love with his face, from the pronounced bridge of his nose, to the faded freckles that dusted his cheeks, to the countless scars that crisscrossed his skin. The fading sunlight made his light brown hair look golden, all of it swept away from his forehead in a mess with a few leaves already stuck in it from lying on the ground. While he was smaller than Karkat, he was still tall and nowhere near as thin as he’d been when he first moved here. His hands were rough and strong, and Karkat knew from experience that even though he didn’t really look it, he could carry Karkat around all day if he wanted to. He was like a bug that thrived in mud and filth, but shone with iridescence when put in the light.

Or maybe Karkat just had really bad taste.

“You look awful,” Karkat told him, carefully picking out the leaves in his hair.

“Is that why you’re looking at me like that?” Dave asked, reaching up to touch Karkat’s cheek.

Karkat gave him a look. “I know you’re just smudging dirt on me.”

The corners of Dave’s mouth twitched upward again. It was like a slip up- like he didn’t mean to smile and didn’t realize he was. Lately, Karkat seemed to be catching him doing it more and more. “Damn, busted,” he said, smudging one more streak on him for good measure.

Karkat swatted his hand away, scrubbing at his own cheek to try and rub the dirt off. “What are you doing out here, anyway? Sollux and Aradia said you were working late.”

“I was, but given that you never came charging up the hill to find me, I figured I’d stay longer and watch the sunset.”

It was hard to tell if he meant that he could always tell when Karkat was here because the first thing he would do is come and find him, or if he meant he thought Karkat had no intention of finding him at all. Karkat wasn’t sure how much he liked either idea.

Rather than comment on it, Karkat tore his eyes away from Dave to look out over the hills. It was a pretty nice spot, with the ground on just enough of a slant that it was easy to look out over the fields. The sky had turned all different shades of red and purple as the sun sank lower and lower. It would be dark soon, but for now, it was beautiful.

Karkat laid back on the ground next to Dave, folding his hands over his stomach while he watched the clouds drift. He admitted, a little quieter, “It’s nice.”

Dave only hummed.

The silence stretched between them, leaving Karkat to his thoughts. He could remember clearly when Dave had sat in the barn window and stared out at the night sky, telling him, _This is my favorite part about living here. I know it’s been years, but I don’t think I’ll ever get over how quiet it is. Listen, you can hear the crickets, and the frogs. You don’t get that in a castle._

The memory of Dave’s soft laugh and his hair full of hay was still fresh in Karkat’s mind. He could remember it as though it’d happened only moments ago; the way they’d sat with their heads close together while Karkat told him stupid stories about his childhood, the way Dave’s hand never left his own, the way Dave’s nose bumped clumsily against his cheek, snorting when Karkat apologized, and the way he finally kissed him back, so gently it could’ve been a dream. In the light of day, it was hard to believe it’d really happened, and yet he knew he hadn’t imagined it.

It drove him crazy knowing that after at least a year of hopelessly pining after Dave, it had finally seemed like maybe, just maybe, it’d go somewhere, only for the awkwardness of even trying to bring it up to be his doom. Last night, it’d really felt like Dave returned his feelings, but he felt so much more unsure now. What if just bringing it up would be a mistake? But if he didn’t, he’d never know if it wasn’t. He searched for the words to say something, anything, running through the scripts he’d come up with throughout the day, but nothing seemed fitting now. The silence seemed to grow heavier between them as the ghost of last night lurked in his mind, haunting him with what _could_ be, if he only had the balls to bring it up.

Next to him, Dave rolled over onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow. He pulled at the grass near Karkat’s shoulder, looking as though he were deep in thought. He said nothing, and neither did Karkat. Karkat only watched his face and the concentrated pinch of his lips, wondering if he looked at Karkat the same way Karkat looked at him. When Karkat reached up, gently smudging some of the dirt off of his cheek, his gaze finally seemed to meet Karkat’s, his head tilting into Karkat’s hand for just a moment.

Then Dave looked down again, clearing his throat. He finally broke the silence, speaking with a quiet awkwardness that matched the immediate change of tone in the conversation. “I’m sorry I kicked you out last night. It was just- the old lady wanted me to lock up, and-”

A little reluctantly, Karkat let his hand drop again. “Yeah, I get it. It’s fine.” It wasn’t really what he wanted to hear. He knew why Dave had sent him home. That part couldn’t possibly matter less. And, judging by the way Dave couldn’t meet his eyes, he got the feeling Dave had bigger issues on his mind, too. Karkat took a deep breath in, forcing himself to start, “About last night…”

“Can’t be caught fucking around with a farmer, huh?” Dave joked humorlessly, starting to rip the grass up again.

Karkat stared at him, and then shook his head. “What? No. Of all the stupid- no. I mean for one thing, I’m pretty sure the only people who would give a singular solitary shit would be Aradia and Sollux, and only because they’d think it would be funny, but that’s- literally getting so ahead of myself, hang on.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sometimes I think you say this kind of stupid shit on purpose, just to rile me up. Or maybe you just really are that stupid. Who’s to say! You do pretty much have the emotional intelligence and perception of one of those bags of manure you haul around.”

“You’re losing the point, dude. Just look at that thing, running away like it left the stove burning and forgot all about it. A whole turn of phrase’s house is burning down because of you, Karkat. They’ve got children to think of.”

“Look who’s talking! I don’t think you’ve ever been able to keep track of a point in your life.” Karkat poked him in the side. Dave grabbed his hand and Karkat held on, squeezing his hand tight. “But what I was _going_ to say was…” Karkat paused, trying to figure out _how_ he even wanted to say it. “Damn it. Look, first of all, there was no fooling around being _done_ , so write that one down. It was one kiss, and you’re going to have to court me properly before you get anywhere in the _realm_ of fooling around. I won’t have my maidenhood soiled by your dirty hands.”

Dave snorted at him. “Implying that if I _did_ manage to court you to your extremely high romantic standards, make an honest woman out of you, the whole shebang, with all the whistles and bells, you’d flash me some ankle?”

“I just might.”

Karkat had thought his answer would be obvious, but somehow Dave still looked a little surprised. Maybe he could tell Karkat wasn’t really joking.

Dave’s gaze dropped to their hands again, rubbing his thumb across Karkat’s knuckles. “So if I ran out there and ripped some wildflowers up by the roots to present to you like we were fuckin’ six-year-olds and romance was still real, would you take them, or would the dirt still hanging off of them kill the mood?”

“Depends. If I kissed you, would you tell everyone I had cooties?” Karkat joked lightly, but his heart felt like it was beating too fast. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, but at the same time, he had to wonder: could this be it? Dave seemed so close, and the moment seemed so fragile. All he could do was see this through.

“Probably.”

“Wow, alright. I see how it is.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I’d also probably run off and sit in a creek griping about how stupid boys ruin everything, with their gross, cute faces, and their dumb smiles.”

Karkat snorted, ignoring the way his cheeks heated up. When he reached up to touch Dave’s cheek again, Dave leaned into his hand openly, the corner of his mouth quirking up for half a second again. Karkat’s hands were gloved, but Dave still lifted his opposite one, pressing a small kiss to the back of it that made him feel even dumber.

It would’ve been easy to shoot back with another snarky reply and get stuck in the same old rut, indirectly telling Dave he loved him and wishing he’d just pick up on it already. If he wanted to, he could probably just keep playing this weird game of gay chicken with Dave for another three years.

Instead, he kissed him. Dave was already so close, Karkat barely had to pull before he was moving in himself, pressing into Karkat and closing the distance at last. He fit in Karkat’s arms like he was made to be there, and the way he kissed him- softly and just the slightest bit desperate- Karkat couldn’t imagine letting him go again. It was a little awkward and a little unsure, but just knowing he actually got to kiss him made it feel like the best kiss in the world. Just like last time, the last thing Karkat wanted to do was let it end. He could’ve spent eternity lying in the grass with Dave, just trying to hold onto this moment. He tried his best to.

When the time came to separate, Dave just seemed to press in closer, sticking his face in Karkat’s shoulder and all but burrowing into him. Karkat had only gotten a glimpse of his face, but he knew he was trying to hide a fierce blush. Mercifully, Karkat managed not to laugh at him and just squeezed him in tighter.

“So, I guess you’re still taking those crazy pills, huh,” Dave mumbled into his shoulder.

“If that’s what you call it, sure.” Karkat paused, and then asked, more seriously, “Does this like… work for you?”

“Work for me? Yeah, kissing absolutely works for me. Anytime you want, I’m down. One hundred percent.”

Karkat bit back a snort and sighed. “Do you want to go out, dipshit? Embarrass ourselves in front of our friends, have shitty picnics, seal the deal, the whole thing.”

“Oh.” Dave paused, and then lifted his head to look at Karkat. His face was still kind of blotchy and pink, and it somehow managed to make his confusion as cute as it was exasperating. “Seriously?”

Karkat threw his hands up. “What do you mean, seriously? Yes, seriously! You think I just go around kissing my friends for fun? Look me in the eye and tell me you think friends-with-benefits sounds like it’s up my alley. I’ve been trying to figure out how to ask you out for months and you say _seriously_? You better hope your underwear rips as easily as the knees of your pants because I swear I’ll hang you from the windmill by them.”

“Alright, alright. I got it.” Dave grabbed his hands mid-waving around, lacing their fingers together and pinning them up by his head. He teased, “Damn, excuse me for being a little stunned Sir Knight in Shining Armor’s trying to find a princess in a pigsty. I mean, _months_? Holy shit, dude.”

“Are you going to sit here and dunk on my taste all day, or what?” Karkat demanded.

“Well, hopefully, I’m gonna kiss you, but I’ve gotta get my kicks in first. Yeah, of fucking course I’ll date you, you idiot. Like I’d ever say no.” Dave snorted, leaning in and giving him a small kiss.

Karkat sighed, feeling all of the tension go out of him at once. He freed up one of his hands from Dave’s hold, that way he could cradle his cheek and pull him in for another kiss. “You are such a dick.”

Dave hummed and pushed his forehead against Karkat’s. “You’re literally like the hottest guy in the kingdom. And probably the sweetest. I cannot fucking believe you’ve been trying to ask _me_ out when I’ve been fucking crushing on you for like a year.”

“Bullshit.”

“True shit.”

“Well maybe if you weren’t so obnoxiously hard to read, I would’ve asked you out a year ago.”

“It’s part of my charm.”

“It’s your whole ass personality. I swear, you’re secretive enough that when we first met and Sollux told me you’d killed someone, I literally believed him! I _still_ feel like I don’t know you that well sometimes, and I like to think I know you better than most people.”

“But you still wanna date me.”

Karkat sighed. “I do.”

“Even if I did kill someone?” Dave joked.

“Fucking probably. If I can find it in me to love Sollux, I think I can put up with a little murder on your part, too.”

When Dave kissed him, he thought he could feel him smile against his lips. After a moment, Dave pulled back and gestured between them vaguely. “Speaking of, how do you want to field questions from them about… this?”

Karkat sighed again, brushing his fingers gently back through Dave’s hair. “I don’t know. I don’t exactly think they’d be surprised, given just how hard we’ve been dancing around this for like the past year. _You_ apparently didn’t notice, but I’m not exactly known for my subtlety. They'll probably figure it out all on their own pretty quickly, honestly."

"So, do you want to just let them figure it out, and just… I don't know, take our time with this for now? I don't really know what the protocol is for this. I've never like…" Dave gestured, vaguely, and his face looked a little pinker, "dated anyone before, or anything."

"Seriously?" Karkat stared at him. Yeah, sure, Dave was a little standoffish and didn't get close to many people, so maybe it shouldn't have been surprising to him. But still, how could anyone _not_ want to date him?

Dave fidgeted awkwardly with Karkat's hood. "I mean, yeah. I moved here when I was thirteen and I've pretty much thrown myself into working ever since. I've got three friends, dude. Do you really think I was dating around?"

"I don't know! I guess not. It's just hard to believe when you're so…"

"Weird?" Dave suggested. "Aloof? Kind of an asshole?"

"Annoying," Karkat added. "But no. It's just hard to see how no one could see what I do."

“In their defense, I make it kind of hard.” Dave shrugged a shoulder. 

“I guess I’m lucky I was stubborn and annoying enough to get through.” He gave Dave a small smile, pulling him in for a little kiss. “We can take it slow and figure things out as we go. We’ll tell them whenever we feel ready to.”

Dave nodded, before leaning in and kissing him again. It was a kiss that lingered, soft and drawn out, and warm enough that Karkat felt like he could melt into the grass. He could hear the wind rustling softly through the grass as he slid his hands along Dave’s back, feeling the shape of his body as it melded against his own. For a few minutes, it felt like they were in a world of their own, hidden by the hills and lengthening shadows and far from the noise of the town. Without meaning to, he could feel himself starting to smile like a lovesick idiot against Dave’s lips.

When Dave pulled back, his face flushed and blotchy, there was a similar, smaller smile there. He laughed quietly at the look Karkat must’ve been giving him, pressing their foreheads together and cupping Karkat’s cheek. “I guess it can’t be that hard to figure out.”

Karkat couldn’t help the way his smile widened, too big to really kiss Dave again, but he tried anyway. It was hard to be anything but optimistic when Dave was finally in his arms. Their jobs, their friends, their responsibilities, their futures- all of it would come together, in the end.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tws for this chapter: implied past child abuse, violence, and some descriptions of blood and gore. the violence and blood is completely unrelated to the abuse, which is vaguely glazed over, and i t hink the gore shouldnt be too graphic? but read at ur own discretion and stay safe!

Karkat was so tired. His legs and arms felt heavy, his eyelids threatened to droop, and his back felt stiff and sore. He could still feel the hard slap of bodies and weapons against his own, ringing through his muscles in phantom pains. At any moment, it felt like his knees might give out from under him. The thought of the dirt that would rise to meet him was seeming more and more comfortable by the minute.

The nights were long, now. With more skirmishes breaking out at the borders, more and more of the guard was put on border patrol. Routes became impossibly long, leaving Karkat no time to hang around as much as he wanted to. He couldn’t catch up with the locals; even if he had the time to, he didn’t have the energy. Any time that wasn’t spent out working, the Captain had them training for the fights that just kept happening. Every knight was exhausted, reluctant to get out of bed and even more reluctant to face the increasingly difficult days. Even Karkat, with all his attempts to get the boring jobs and get out of border patrol, had been sent out multiple times. At night, when Crow came to sit next to him, the usual bickering took a backseat to quiet groaning. Even talking seemed like too much work. It almost reminded Karkat of when he’d first started training, except now the emotions ran high and the stakes even higher.

The fights on the border had always seemed so pointless to Karkat. Why did it  _ have _ to end in a fight? Just to keep people out? If they let someone through, what could possibly be the worst that happened? Surely, losing some produce wasn’t as bad as taking a life? Or then, why not protect the towns, rather than the border? Or, better yet, couldn’t they offer resources, so the raiders never had to come in at all? The kingdom could afford it. There was no reason why people had to die. His questions and doubts were endless, but it wasn’t his place to ask any of them. 

All the same, he couldn’t help hoping, every time, that something would go differently. Maybe they’d be able to make it out without a fight. Maybe they could talk through it. Maybe no one had to get hurt. Maybe they wouldn’t see anyone on the border at all, and the raiders would just give up.

Karkat’s feet dragged as he scanned the skyline. He silently prayed to every god he could think of that he wouldn’t see the telltale plume of smoke or colorful spotting of clumsy tents that signaled raiders were nearby. More than anything, he hoped the path would be clear and they’d all just get to go home without a fight. Nearby, he thought he heard another knight mumble something similar. 

The shoulders of every knight on the patrol seemed to sag. The armor they wore was hot and heavy, the ground was rocky and uneven, and Karkat’s sword seemed to beat a pattern into his leg. They’d been walking for so long now that Karkat had lost track of the time. He knew without asking that everyone else felt the same. Even the _ horses _ looked tired.

But, of course, Karkat’s bad luck never failed him.

A stick snapped. Bushes rustled. Someone yelled, and a thousand other yells joined in. Karkat’s head spun as ten or so raiders exploded out from a bush, brandishing awkward, cheap weapons, and charging their squad of four. By the time Karkat had his sword out, swords were already clanging all around him, ringing in his ears as silver metal and brown rags blurred together. 

He struggled to reorient himself, but it was hard to make sense of all of the noise and the movement. It pulsed in his eyes and ears, crowding out thought. Everything was too loud, too fast, too  _ much _ . Rather than fight, he stood there like an idiot, staring wide-eyed as red poured onto the dirt and the first bodies began to fall.

Sudden, piercing pain shot through his arm. Karkat’s instincts kicked in, and before he could think, he was whirling around, slashing outward before he’d even gotten a glimpse of the attacker. All of the training kicked in, just like the Captain had promised it would, and he heard a gasp of pain and the wet sound of flesh ripping apart.

A boy who couldn’t have been less than a year younger than him stared back at him, blood quickly beginning to soak through his tunic where he clutched at it. The panic and pain in his eyes burned into Karkat’s mind. His mouth was open in a silent scream, stunned beyond sound. Blood dripped from his hands, leaving dark spots on the dirt. He was bleeding out too quickly for the cut to be anything but fatal.

The noise from the fight suddenly seemed far away. The soft thud of Karkat’s sword hitting the dirt hardly reached his ears. His mind was blank with horror. He didn’t think when he reached out, only knowing that he  _ had _ to help, he  _ had _ to do something, this boy was  _ going to die _ . 

The last thing he saw before he blacked out was the boy stumbling backward, falling over just to get away from him.

“He’s alive!”

“What? Oh, shit, quick-”

“When I saw him go down I thought-”

“-looks like-”

Sound came to Karkat in bits and pieces, most of it registering far after he’d heard it. When he opened his eyes, the rest of his patrol was kneeling over him, startlingly close. He started to sit up quickly, but a sudden wave of pain and dizziness made him lie back down again. “Ow, fuck,” he mumbled, reaching up to try and touch the sore spot on the back of his head.

Another knight- Marcus- caught his arm before he could. “I wouldn’t. You took a pretty nasty hit back there. I’ve done what I can, but you probably shouldn’t be poking at it. You really need to get back to the castle and see a medic, pal. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve got a concussion.”

“Take a horse and go. Just try not to fall off,” Rhea, the leader of the patrol, said helpfully.

“Sure. I’ll do that,” Karkat muttered, and tried again to sit up, slower this time.

Nothing could’ve prepared him for the sight that met his eyes. The four of them sat in the middle of what had once been a perfectly clear patch of dirt. Now, it was muddy with blood. Bodies were everywhere, eyes open and unseeing, blood still dripping onto the dirt. The stench of copper burned in his nose. Red filled his vision. It was everywhere- on the knights around him, on his armor, on his hands, sticky and warm as it oozed between his fingers. He didn’t even know whose blood it was, and somehow, that made it all worse. His stomach churned and bile built in his throat. 

Two knights jumped back as Karkat turned to one side and threw up.

“Aw, fuck, Karkat,” Rhea complained. Another knight looked sick.

Marcus patted his back, giving him a moment to recover before starting to help him to his feet. “Okay. Come on, buddy. Let’s get you back home.”

Numbly, Karkat let the knights that had just slaughtered so many- people he knew, ate with, and slept with- help him up onto a horse. How were they so calm? How was he their sole concern? How could they sit there and give him medical help when people on either side of him were dying? Maybe he belonged with them, after what he’d done. Maybe he should’ve been one of the ones dead.

He was hardly aware of the horse moving. The countryside passed by without his notice. It was hard to think straight, so instead he just thought in circles, reflecting over and over again on the piles of bodies and the horror on the boy’s face. He felt dizzy, though whether it was from horror or the pain throbbing at the back of his skull, he didn’t know.

It had all happened so quickly. It was over so fast. If he hadn’t froze- if he hadn’t hurt anyone- if he hadn’t woken up today, or ever- if he was dead-

Karkat didn’t know where they were going until he recognized the familiar beehives spotting the hills. As he dimly watched them drift closer, he wondered if he’d brought them here, or if his horse had.

This was the wrong way to approach the town from, and the wrong way to get to the castle. They shouldn’t be here. They should be heading home.

“Karkat?” Dave’s voice was far off but unmistakable. Karkat could see his shape straighten up in the fields, clutching a basket to his chest.

Suddenly, Karkat knew he wasn’t going back to the castle. Even in his numbed and weakened state, he could feel his face heat up as tears pricked at the back of his eyes. Clumsily, he struggled to dismount, only thankful that he didn’t fall on his ass when he hit the ground. 

On the hill, Dave looked to one of the farmers for permission to go before setting down his basket. As he picked his way through the fields, Karkat could see the moment where his steps faltered as he took in Karkat’s appearance. Then, he broke into a run, jumping rows of vegetables and sliding down the dirt to Karkat. Karkat hardly had enough time to think,  _ Right, the blood, _ before Dave was touching his face, carefully wiping away blood and searching for cuts. He touched Karkat like he was terrified of hurting him, so gently it made Karkat’s chest feel tight. “Holy shit, what happened? Are you okay?”

Unwillingly, Karkat could feel his throat close and his eyes well with tears. It was hard to speak. He choked on the words, struggling to get them out. “It’s not mine. I think.”

“Karkat…” Dave said softly, horrified. 

Tears started to roll down his cheeks before he could stop them. He sniffed, and suddenly everything seemed to come apart at once. His knees finally gave out as he choked on a sob, covering his face like it’d cover up all of the shame, grief, horror, fear, and disgust that filled his lungs and suffocated him. He felt hot and sticky and gross, and the blood on his hands and face made his skin crawl so bad he wanted to peel it off. The nausea was back in full force, and he worried he might throw up again.

Dave’s hand touched his shoulder carefully. Then, Dave’s arms were around him, pulling him in closer. Karkat knew he didn’t deserve it. He shouldn’t be breaking down like this in front of him. But knowing that, Karkat still fell into Dave like it was nothing, desperate for that comforting contact.

It’d been so  _ long _ since he’d gotten to hold Dave. With the extra work and the training, he almost never had any time to visit. The few moments he did get with Dave had felt increasingly strained and distant, and though Karkat might’ve been busy, he didn’t miss that Dave was clearly struggling too. Their relationship- fresh, new, and in desperate need of attention- was effectively shelved in favor of Karkat’s job. They needed time to work things out, but time just wasn’t something they had.

Karkat had missed Dave desperately. He thought often about the town, Aradia, and Sollux, and how much he wanted to just skip work and come straight here. But more than any of that, he thought of Dave. He thought about Dave all the time, every second of every day, hoping that he’d get to see him again soon. He missed Dave’s face, his strange smiles, his weird hobbies, his dirty hands, his crappy jokes, and his gentle touch, more than he could ever put into words.

Seeing him again now… He’d never felt less like he deserved Dave. But at the same time, just seeing him and touching him gave him so much relief. He felt disgusting and worthless, but Dave was safe, familiar, and warm, and Karkat clung to him like he was the last ray of light in a dark world. He must have been getting blood and snot all over Dave, but Dave never so much as flinched, just perfect and loving, and so, so comforting. Dave was everything he’d never deserved. Karkat only wished he could tell him just how much he loved him, or at least find the strength to pull away.

It seemed like an eternity before the sobs started to slow, leaving him feeling fragile and gross. His skin still crawled and his stomach still turned, and he was uncomfortably aware of all of the snot and tears he’d gotten all over Dave’s shirt, but at least he was starting to regain the ability to breathe. The memory of all of the blood had once again settled into something more comfortably distant and numb. If he thought about it enough, he’d probably start sobbing all over again, so he just tried not to. He was too exhausted to cry a second time today, and Dave didn’t deserve to have to sit through that again. He took a deep breath, stifled another sob, and finally pulled back from Dave so he could wipe his face.

“You look like a wreck, dude,” Dave said quietly, tugging a dirty handkerchief from his back pocket to try and wipe some of the blood and snot off of Karkat’s face. Earlier, Dave looked like he was about to shit his pants with fear. Now, his face was an expressionless mask, the way it always was when he was particularly emotional. It wasn’t as reassuring as he thought it was.

Karkat snorted weakly, but he didn’t really feel it. “So does your shirt.”

Dave shrugged dismissively. “I’ll live. We should really get you cleaned up. Something tells me this rag isn’t going to do the trick on its own.”

“We? You’re working,” Karkat protested.

Dave’s eyebrows rose, and Karkat suddenly felt stupid for saying anything. “I think they’ll let me take some time off.”

Though Karkat wasn’t ready to let him go, Dave started to get to his feet. Karkat tried to follow, but his armor was bulky and heavy, his feet hurt, and his head throbbed and made everything spin. The dizziness hit him in full force again, but before he could fall, Dave’s arm was around his waist, holding him in securely against his side and keeping him upright. “It’s not far,” Dave reassured him softly. 

Karkat only nodded. He took another deep, steadying breath and wrapped an arm around Dave’s shoulders.

As they headed down to the creek that ran between the hills, tucked out of sight, Dave kept a steady hold on him. Though the dirt slid under Karkat’s feet in places, Dave never let him slip.

When Dave left him at the bank to go put his horse up, Karkat felt the loss of support in more ways than one. There seemed to be an empty space at his side where Dave’s warmth should have been, but he tried not to concentrate on it, and instead focused on pulling at the straps of his armor.

As the armor came off, piece by piece, Karkat could really see how much blood there was. It was no wonder Dave had been so freaked out. Red was splattered and smeared all across the metal and his clothes were so soaked with blood and sweat that the breeze hardly did a thing to cool him down. The sight of the blood made his head spin, and he longed to throw it all into the river, or maybe just shed his own skin somehow and run away. The smell of it alone was more than he could bear, and the taste of copper on his tongue made the bile in his throat rise again. He stared at the flowing water of the creek and tried not to think about the warm, sticky blood that smeared between his fingers, or who it might have belonged to. The urge to throw up was more and more persistent, and his hands shook as he removed a boot and threw it onto the rest of the pile.

Dave came back just as he was struggling out of the last bit of chainmail, passing the piles of bloody armor to fill a bucket with clear water from the creek. “I’ve got the rest of the day off. They’ve got it covered, so I can just focus on cleaning your ass up.” Splashing water had never sounded so good, or so refreshing.

“You really don’t have to,” Karkat grunted, finally tossing the chainmail aside.

“Shut up, man.” There was no venom in Dave’s voice; just fond exhaustion. He sat down in front of him and pulled a washcloth out of the bucket, wringing it out. Like before, his expression was carefully neutral, making it hard to tell how much he really minded this. “Are you hurt anywhere?”

Karkat had to think it over. He felt sore just about everywhere, his head throbbed, and his upper arm stung. The blood was so dark where it had soaked into his shirt there, Karkat couldn’t stand to look at it long enough to really see how bad it was. “I got hit in the head and I think my arm’s bleeding.”

“Awesome. C’mon, shirt, off.” Dave set the rag on his knee, reaching instead for the bottom of Karkat’s shirt and pulling it up.

Somewhat reluctantly, Karkat raised his arms and let him peel it off. It was kind of dumb to worry at a time like this, but the second his shirt was off, he felt very exposed and vulnerable. The breeze was finally starting to seem cold, and with his tits exposed to the world, he felt like he needed about ten more layers to cover up and protect himself.

At least Dave didn’t comment on it. His focus was entirely devoted to Karkat’s arm and carefully cleaning up around the cut. Karkat couldn’t make himself look at it, so instead he focused on Dave’s face, studying the creases in his blindfold and the freckles on his cheeks. He tried to stay still, but his hand flexed on his knee, clenching into a fist, and releasing again. He shifted uncomfortably, wincing at the cold, wet feeling dripping down his arm and onto his thigh, and the sting in his arm as Dave brushed against the cut wrong.

“Sorry,” Dave mumbled, pulling the rag away to rinse it and start again. “On the bright side, it’s not all that bad. It’s going to sting, and it’ll probably scar, but it’s not going to keep you from doing anything. I think I can just wrap it and you’ll be good.”

“When did you learn so much about first aid?” Karkat wondered, mostly to distract himself from all the blood at the corners of his vision.

Dave hesitated. “A long time ago,” he said, quietly.

“Before you moved?”

“Before I moved,” Dave agreed.

“You must’ve been one hell of a medical protege at fucking thirteen.”

Dave snorted, dropping the rag back in the bucket and fishing a wad of gauze out of one of his pockets. At least it looked clean. He started to wrap Karkat’s arm. “I wasn’t much of anything when I was thirteen. I doubt anyone saw me as any kind of protege, let alone a medical one.”

Karkat wanted to ask more. Dave’s uncharacteristic silence was making him uneasy, and it was easier to listen to Dave talk than think right now. However, he knew from experience that Dave’s past would never be something he’d get to hear about. For whatever reason, Dave didn’t like to talk about his life before he immigrated to Prospit, and Karkat knew better than to push him on it.

At least it didn’t take Dave very long to finish. “There. Aight, lemme see your head. Is it bleeding at all?”

Karkat tilted his head down, letting Dave search through his hair for any kind of cut. “Maybe a little. It’s just- ow- really sore. They knocked me out.”

“Sorry.” Dave grabbed the rag again, carefully wiping down the back of his head. It stung where he touched it, making Karkat’s whole head throb.

“Ow, Dave,” he protested.

“Sorry,” Dave repeated, kissing his forehead apologetically. “I’m trying to be gentle. You’ve got a pretty bad bump, but it’s not really bleeding at this point. You said you blacked out, and it’s sore. Do you feel dizzy or nauseous? How’s your memory recall?”

“Dizzy, yeah. A little nauseous sometimes, but I don’t know if that’s because of my head or all the blood. I can remember stuff fine, I think.”

“You might have a concussion. You should really stay here for tonight so I can keep an eye on you.” Dave rinsed the rag again before wiping blood that  _ wasn’t _ Karkat’s off of him. It seemed to be everywhere- on his back, his arms, his neck, his chest, his face... The tacky feeling of drying blood, combined with the cold, wet feeling of water dripping down his body and the breeze blowing against it made Karkat shudder. It was so gross, and so cold, and so uncomfortable, he half-wanted to just lie down in the creek and wait for it all to wash off.

“I think I can do that,” Karkat said, folding his arms over his chest uncomfortably. “I’ve been dismissed for the day. I don’t have to be back until the next assignment tomorrow morning.”

“Dude, I don’t even know if you should be doing that. I mean, maybe it’s not that bad, but I don’t know. I don’t think it’s worth the risk.”

“It’s not like I have a choice.”

Dave’s lips pressed together in a thin line, but he said nothing. For several minutes, they sat in silence while Dave washed away the grime and blood from the fight, switching out the water in the bucket more than once when it started to turn red. After getting off the bulk of it, Dave passed the bucket and the rag to Karkat so he could wash his body while Dave washed off Karkat’s armor and rinsed out his tunic. Bit by bit, the evidence from the fight started to flow down the creek.

“Okay,” Dave said finally, coming back up the bank with Karkat’s tunic in hand. “Your tunic might just be wrecked, but everything else is as clean as it’s getting. We should get you up to the house so you can rest.” As he spoke, he piled Karkat’s armor on top of the chest plate, so it’d be easier to carry.

“Okay, fine. If I rest, will you go back to work?” Reluctantly, Karkat started to drag himself to his feet. His head spun a little, but he was alright- good enough to grab the bucket and pour the rest of it out into the creek for Dave. He felt stupid just sitting around and letting Dave take care of him. He felt like he ought to at least do  _ something _ , but judging by the look Dave gave him, it seemed like Dave disagreed. 

“Fuck no, man. You’re stuck with me now.” Dave took the bucket from him, situating it so he could carry everything in one hand. With the other, he reached out to Karkat again.

“You don’t have to sit around and wait on me hand and foot, y’know. I’ll be okay. I’m not even hurt that badly.” Even as he spoke, Karkat took his arm, hoping to the gods he could walk that far without falling.

“I don’t  _ have _ to do shit. I’m helping you because I  _ want _ to, because I care about you. And unless you think you’d do any different for me, if you were in my shoes, you’re going to have to live with that,” Dave said firmly. He started to walk with him up the hill.

Karkat huffed out a sigh. “I hate it when you make good points.”

“You hate any time someone reminds you people can help  _ you _ sometimes and you don’t have to be the self-appointed, longsuffering top in every relationship.”

“Hey? Never say those words in that order ever again.”

Dave snorted- the first bit of genuine, positive emotion Karkat had seen from him today.

The farmers were still hard at work as they passed them on the way to the house. They barely glanced up at them, absorbed in what was no doubt a ton of extra work. Karkat felt a stab of shame, knowing he’d taken away their hardest worker for the day, but there’d be no convincing Dave to leave him. Dave only paused long enough to set all of his stuff down before he was ushering Karkat inside, careful hands never leaving him.

It’d been some time since Karkat had been inside the farmhouse, but it was pretty much exactly as he remembered it; very small, very plain, and with the sort of dated aesthetic that only an older couple with an eccentric child could really manage. The kitchen flowed straight into the living area, and the old farmers’ bed was tucked into a little alcove just off to the side. On the far wall, a ladder nailed into the wall led up to Dave’s loft, which stuck out over the main area. Getting up it seemed a little daunting, but Dave followed right behind Karkat, one hand firm on his lower back to keep him steady, ready to catch him if he slipped.

Karkat wasn’t usually a big fan of the loft. It was small, cramped, and incurably messy. The ceiling was low and sloped so that Karkat could never stand up straight, and there was nothing around the edges to keep him from tumbling off to the floor below. Knitted blankets and clothes were strewn about everywhere, draped over the old furniture and hanging half out of Dave’s trunk. Colorful stains from the makeshift parchment and paints sitting against the wall in the corner seemed to cover everything, even places where Karkat hadn’t thought you  _ could _ get paint. Shelves had been nailed into the walls everywhere there was room, and still, Dave’s “dead things,” as he called them, seemed to fill every space. Preserved animals floating in jars, reconstructed skeletons, pinned bugs, and dried flowers covered the walls, overflowing onto the floor. It would have made for an uncomfortable aura if Karkat wasn’t so used to it from both Dave and Aradia. There was a pot full of what Karkat guessed had to be tadpoles sitting on the bedside table right next to a vase full of fresh flowers, and several long-dried art pieces lay out on the floor just waiting to be stepped on. Despite everything, though, it was probably the one place Dave was written out clearly on the walls for anyone to see, and because of that, Karkat could never truly dislike it. 

While Karkat stared around, trying to recognize what was new and what was old, Dave went to the trunk at the foot of his bed, sweeping some of the pieces of parchment out of the way as he did. Dave pushed up his sleeves and dug through the mess of clothes (among other things that probably  _ didn’t _ belong in there) before tossing him a fresh pair of pants and a shirt. “See if those fit. They’re big on me, so hopefully they will.”

Surprisingly, they did. He usually preferred to wear something loose and baggy, and these were a little too form-fitting for his taste, but they did  _ fit _ . Frankly, after everything Karkat had been through today, that was enough. As long as they were clean and dry, he’d live.

While Dave found clothes for himself and changed, Karkat flopped down on the bed with a heavy sigh. The singular, little window had left the blankets warm from the sunlight streaming in. As Karkat stretched out in the warm patch, he could understand why cats enjoyed sleeping in the sun so much. He was sore and exhausted, and the bed was comfortable and soft, tempting him to close his eyes, just for a second.

Blood flashed behind his closed eyelids. The pain and horror on that kid’s face was vivid in his mind’s eye, so clear Karkat felt like screaming.

Karkat's eyes snapped open, just in time to see Dave’s face swim into view. Dave climbed into bed on his good side, propping himself up on his elbow so he could see Karkat’s face. “Try not to fall asleep on me here, alright?” he said, brushing Karkat’s hair gently away from his forehead. “If you’ve got a concussion, you should try and stay awake for a while.”

“I’ve got it.” Karkat took a deep breath, pushing the visions into the back of his mind. “Thanks. For all of this.”

“Of course, man.” Dave’s hand found his own, squeezing it tight. “You’re allowed to accept help when you need it. Even if you feel like you could handle it on your own.”

He knew, logically, that Dave was right. He’d say the same thing to Dave if their positions were reversed. But somehow, it was harder to accept when it came to himself. It was hard to look him in the eye. Or, blindfold. “I’m sorry you had to take time off work.”

“Don’t be.” Dave kissed his knuckles. “I’m not. I get to take a break from forming permanent back problems and spend time with my favorite person in the world. The fuck do I have to complain about? Oh no, don’t take me away from digging vegetables out of the ground and make me cuddle with my boyfriend, the horror. You’re so mean, I was really excited about the flies trying to make homes in my ears.” 

Karkat snorted, raising his hand to run it through Dave’s hair. “Well fuck, fine then. Have it your way, I guess, if mopping up blood is so fun for you.”

“ _ Thank _ you.” 

Despite everything that had happened that day and all of the horrible things he’d seen and done, when Dave leaned in and kissed him, Karkat felt like he might just still die happy. Was this what love was like, knowing that just being around Dave could help chase away any misery? It’d been some time since he’d first kissed Dave, but the novelty hadn’t worn off.

When Dave finally pulled back, he must’ve been looking at him with the dumbest, most lovestruck expression, because Dave’s cheeks started to turn pink and blotchy. “Alright, don’t get too sappy on me now,” Dave mumbled, leaning in again to kiss his jaw (and really hide his blush, no doubt). “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah. Sore, and tired, but alright.” Karkat slid his arms around Dave, squeezing him in against his chest. Just feeling Dave’s weight and warmth, knowing Dave was there, was more comforting than anything. “Definitely better now.”

“Do you wanna tell me what happened now?” Dave must have felt him tense, because he added quickly, “You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”

Karkat didn’t answer right away. Even now, far away from the horrors of the border, comforted by Dave’s presence and the warmth of the sun, his composure felt very fragile. The fight was still so real and so fresh. He worried that if he let it out of where it was locked up in the back of his mind, he’d end up crying all over again. He didn’t want to get snot all over Dave a second time, and he was so exhausted that he wasn’t sure he’d be able to cry a second time and still stay awake. At the same time, maybe he owed it to Dave to tell him after scaring him so bad earlier. Dave had the right to know who he was taking time out of his schedule for, after all. 

In Karkat’s silence, Dave just kept babbling on nervously. “I mean, it seems like it was pretty fucked up, and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to talk about it. It’s just like, you did kind of show up covered in blood, and that was just a little bit slightly pants-shittingly terrifying, and I’m not saying you owe it to me or anything or I have a right to know because I don’t, and it’s totally your information to share, just like, I would like to know, possibly, if you’re cool with that-”

“Dave,” Karkat interrupted, finally.

Dave’s mouth snapped shut.

“It’s okay,” he told him, taking a deep, slow breath. He didn’t feel great about his decision, but he’d made it. He could do this. “There was a fight on the border. Like, ten raiders ambushed us while we were patrolling.”

It was impossible to tell what Dave was thinking. But when Karkat hesitated again, he took one of his hands, squeezing it tight.

“There have been more and more raider camps showing up lately, so I keep getting stuck on patrol. Everyone’s taking patrol shifts, basically. I think if they could line us up around the border of the kingdom, they would.” Though it wasn’t funny, Karkat snorted. “It’s so stupid. Everything about it is stupid. These people have these shitty, garbage weapons, no training, they’re half-starved, they’re scared, and we just go in and we’re like nah, you can’t cross this imaginary line to try and get resources. Fuck you, for running away from your fucked ass kingdom and becoming our problem. I think some of these camps are just people trying to leave who don’t have anywhere to go, and we’re just-” He waved the hand that wasn’t holding Dave’s, uselessly. Then, he sighed. “Usually, we just argue with them, scare them off, whatever. I can’t think of a single time we’ve needed to fight, but we have. We’ve killed people. It’s fucking-” Karkat cut off, staring up at the ceiling and willing himself not to start crying. The nausea was back again, and so was that hot, disgusting feeling. He wasn’t proud of the way his voice cracked when he said, “It’s fucked up.”

Dave squeezed his hand again, shifting and freeing up his other hand so he could run it through Karkat’s hair.

Karkat  _ knew _ he didn’t deserve it, but selfishly, he let Dave help calm him, squeezing him in closer and shutting his eyes like it’d block out the images. It was hard to keep going. He had to force himself to keep his breathing steady. His heart seemed to be beating too quickly and his throat felt like it was closing up. Still, he tried to focus on the rhythm of Dave’s hand in his hair and just kept going, ignoring the shake in his voice. “I hate fighting. I hate arresting people, I hate making people suffer, I hate blood, and I hate killing people. I’ve never killed anyone. I don’t  _ want _ to; I don’t want to hurt people and then sit around and pretend like the world is just better off that way. But I’m expected to just… do it, and do it without hesitation, and I spend all this time training to do it, and it’s like… People I know, this job I believed in, are the direct cause of people getting hurt.  _ I’m _ hurting people. And no one even seems to have a problem with it besides me. I signed up for this because I thought I was going to help, but I just…” 

He couldn’t get the words out. His skin crawled and he felt sick just thinking about it. Suddenly, he couldn’t stand to touch Dave, pulling his hands away from him and covering his face instead. His disgust with himself was so strong, it made him angry- angry with himself for failing. Even though his eyes were closed, all he could see was blood, and the wet tear of flesh reverberated through his head, like the ghost of that kid was haunting him. 

“It’s okay-” Dave started to say, but Karkat shook his head.

“No, Dave. It’s not.” Karkat started to push himself up into a sitting position, making Dave roll off of him. He couldn’t make himself look at Dave. He didn’t deserve him, or his comfort, and in a moment Dave probably wouldn’t want anything to do with him anyway. Dave had no clue that Karkat had been anything more than a bystander in a fight- that Karkat had  _ killed _ someone. But when he found out, he’d probably hate Karkat just as much as Karkat hated himself.

The first time he opened his mouth, nothing came out. But he took a deep breath and tried again. “I killed a  _ kid _ ,” he said, uncharacteristically quiet. His voice sounded horrified even to his own ears. “He had to be eighteen, at most. A year younger than us. He-” His voice broke, but he tried again, forcing himself to keep going. “He was just a  _ kid _ . A kid, mixed up in a party of people all trying to figure out how to survive. And we killed  _ all _ of them. There were so many bodies.”

“Karkat, holy shit.” Dave sounded stunned. 

All over again, his eyes were welling up with tears, and though he willed himself not to cry, it was a fight he was losing fast. “I didn’t see where I was hitting. I didn’t mean to, I didn’t know, but I killed him. Ten people, all gone, just like that. And everyone else was just fine with that. No one else cared. All they gave a shit about was my stupid ass.” He sniffed, pulling Dave’s sleeve over his hand and scrubbing at his eyes with it.

“Karkat…” Dave’s hand hovered close to his shoulder, like he was thinking about touching him, but thought the better of it at the last moment. It kind of hurt even more. “Dude, that’s  _ so much _ . No wonder you’re a wreck, that’s like… that’s really awful, man. Fuck. I’m so sorry.”

Incredulously, Karkat blinked at him through tears. “ _ You’re _ sorry? What the fuck are  _ you _ sorry for?”

“I dunno, that you had to go through that?” Dave fidgeted with his sleeves, twisting the ends of them. “That’s really fucked up, man.”

“ _ I _ killed someone, and you’re sorry for  _ me _ .”

“Well, yeah.” Dave hesitated, and then twisted to face Karkat more. He took one of Karkat’s hands in both of his own, squeezing it tight. “Fights are overwhelming. Everything happens very quickly, and it can be hard to make clear decisions about what to do when people are swinging at you or around you. Sometimes you hit worse than you mean to. Sometimes you hurt someone when you didn’t mean to. Sometimes you kill people when you didn’t want to hit anyone at all. That happens.”

The way Dave talked about it, as though he knew from experience or had hurt people before, stunned Karkat speechless.

“You were ambushed. Most likely, all the other knights immediately started fighting. The fight happened without you wanting it to, or liking it, and you were put in an immediate position where you were on the defensive and trying to navigate a scary situation you weren’t prepared for, where people are swinging sharp things at you and you had to either protect yourself or die. And sometimes, protecting yourself means killing other people. And I’m not saying that’s  _ good _ ,” Dave added quickly, seeing Karkat start to protest. “That fucking sucks. It fucking sucks that another person is dead. It absolutely should never have to come to that. Fighting  _ sucks _ . But sometimes your hand is forced and you make mistakes, and you need to give yourself a  _ little  _ more slack for that. There’s a big difference between picking a fight,  _ knowing _ you outmatch the other person, and swinging with the intent to kill, and being forced into a fight and accidentally killing someone you didn’t want to hurt at all.”

“I still killed someone,” Karkat insisted.

Dave squeezed his hand again, agreeing, “Yeah. And that sucks.”

“I  _ actively _ participate in this… business, where it just seems expected of me to hurt or kill, and everyone’s got no problem with it.”

“Which also sucks. So, why are you doing it?”

“What?”

“Why are you doing it?” Dave repeated. “Dude, a  _ lot _ of knighthood is fighting. And, clearly, you  _ hate _ doing that. I know you want to help people, but Karkat, this…” he gestured to him, vaguely, “really doesn’t seem like it’s your thing, or even good for you.”

Suddenly, it felt like the tables had been turned on him.  _ Quit _ being a knight? The idea was unthinkable. Yes, he had some issues with it, but to give it up completely? He stared at Dave, stunned, tears still wet on his cheeks. “I’ve been trying to be a knight my whole life!”

“Yeah, and sometimes the things we decide we’re going to grow up to be when we’re kids are bad and not good for us, and sometimes you abandon things after years of working on it and try to start over. It’s  _ okay _ to decide to leave when you’re uncomfortable. You don’t have to make yourself keep doing something that hurts you.”

“You make it sound like it’s so awful. It’s not that bad,” Karkat protested.

Dave looked at him in disbelief. “Karkat, you’ve got a concussion and you’re crying on my bed about how much you hate like, everything about being a knight, because you just  _ killed _ a kid.”

“I don’t hate  _ everything _ about it. It’s not usually like this!”

“It doesn’t have to  _ ever _ be like this. You can  _ leave _ ,” Dave said insistently, taking both of his hands and squeezing them tight. “I know it’s hard to quit something you’ve spent so long working towards. I know it’s hard to give up what you know and start over. But you  _ can _ find so much better if you just  _ let _ yourself do it. I promise. Karkat, I was fucking  _ miserable _ before I moved, but I spent years talking myself out of doing it because there were things about my life then that I did like. Even though the foundation my life was built on was fucking miserable, there were people I cared about and things I liked doing, and I convinced myself that maybe someday I’d find a way to… I don’t know, stop caring about the bad things, or they’d go away, or fuck knows what I thought. But when I left, I couldn’t believe how much  _ better _ things were. You can  _ have _ better. Better exists. You don’t have to put up with stuff that makes you miserable, even if it doesn’t make you miserable  _ all _ the time. There are careers that will definitely involve killing absolutely zero people. Tons of them. You don’t have to keep being a knight just because you put time into it in the past.”

Karkat shook his head, trying to take all of that in at once. “No offense, because I am totally making a note of that to worry about later, but I kind of feel like your really shitty childhood and my job that kind of sucks sometimes are like, on radically different levels here. It feels kind of trivializing to compare them?”

“Yeah, well it’s  _ my _ trauma and  _ I _ get to decide what to compare it to. And maybe,  _ you’re _ the one trivializing it for dismissing my super correct breakdown of why your job sucks shit,” Dave said defiantly.

Karkat was still reeling from Dave’s speech, trying to wrap his head around everything he’d said. He’d known Dave hadn’t lived a great life before he came to Prospit, but it was one thing suspecting that and another thing completely to hear it confirmed. And for Dave to compare  _ that _ to Karkat’s issues with being a knight- as though it was something to be treated just as seriously, and not just as Karkat being dramatic- completely stunned him. Maybe he’d made a mistake to complain about it at all, if Dave thought it sounded that bad, because it really wasn’t. He’d  _ wanted _ this. This was his dream job. Yes, parts of it made him uncomfortable, and maybe he’d been stewing on this for a while, but it wasn’t like… traumatic, or an abusive situation or something.

But Dave had dug his heels in and he wasn’t going to give up, so Karkat sighed. He pulled on Dave’s hands and Dave fell into him easily, letting him pull him into his lap and hold him. Steering the conversation away from his job, he said, “One of these days, I’m going to get smart and elope with Aradia instead.”

“Nah, man. I’ve had that market cornered since we were like, fourteen. Sollux thinks he’s got her in the bag just because they’ve been dating forever, but he’s wrong. There’s no bond stronger than that of two kids standing knee-deep in mud and plotting to grow up, leave their spouses, and become frog parents together. We’re going to run the most successful frog breeding business in the country.”

“What the fuck would anyone buy from you for? What are people going to do with frogs?”

“You’d be surprised,” Dave said, and didn’t elaborate beyond that.

Karkat stared at him for a moment. Then he looked up at the ceiling and sighed, rubbing his face. “You two are something special. You’ve got to be one in a million, and somehow I ended up with both of you. It feels like it’s rigged.”

“It’s bad taste. Well, not with Aradia, actually. Aradia’s fucking awesome. Like, the gods sat down and were like, how can we possibly make the most perfect girl in existence? And then they made Aradia. That’s her.”

“You know, I’m starting to think maybe I  _ should _ be worried about you running off to elope with her,” Karkat said, amused.

“I’ve been telling you, man. It’s a matter of time.”

“Sollux is going to be devastated.”

“Yeah. We’ve already figured it all out, though. He’s going to lean on you for comfort, and in your mourning of our extremely sexy losses, you’ll find love in each other instead. It’ll all work out in the end.”

Karkat snorted. “I’m so glad we’re accommodated for in your long-term frog business plan.”

“You should be. We’re very generous.”

“So what  _ else _ is in your grand master plan for frog breeding?” Karkat asked, raising an eyebrow.

As Dave launched into an explanation of he and Aradia’s (apparently very elaborate) frog business scheme, the conversation moved steadily away from the topic of the fight and Karkat’s job as a knight. 

Even though Karkat was sure he hadn’t heard the last of it from Dave, it seemed like, for now, Dave was letting it slide. Instead, they just… caught up. It’d been too long since Karkat had gotten to see Dave, and he’d missed out on a lot. That, and he just missed Dave. It was nice to spend some time talking and being affectionate without worrying about how much longer Karkat had before he had to go back. It was even nicer to not have to worry about the fight or training or moving for a while, just letting his body rest and recover while Dave regaled him with whatever thoughts were on his mind at the moment. It was easy to stop thinking, pushing everything that had upset him to the back of his mind. The events of the day faded into background noise in his thoughts, leaving just… Dave.

The time seemed to slip by unnoticeably until the sound of the farmers chatting and knocking dirt off of their boots interrupted them. Outside, the shadows had grown long and the sky had turned red and purple with the sunset. The day had disappeared already. 

As the farmers called up to them to get dinner, Karkat realized he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been able to relax at Dave’s house like this, or in general. The old ladies seemed a little too thrilled to have him, pinching his cheeks and joking about how big he’d gotten- even though they had seen him just mere months ago. Dinner wasn’t exactly as high quality as castle food, but it was warm and filling. With Dave absently kicking him under the table and the old ladies giggling about how much Dave talked about Karkat until Dave was red in the face, Karkat couldn’t possibly imagine ever trading this for whatever the royal chefs had made tonight, anyway.

When they retired back up to Dave’s loft, Karkat could still hear the soft voices of the farmers below and the crackle of the fire. They wouldn’t have as much freedom to talk anymore without being overheard, but Karkat didn’t mind. It was something of a relief to fall into bed with Dave, knowing that the day was coming to an end and there was nothing left to do but relax. The soft din of creatures outside, the voices below, and Dave’s quiet breathing was soothing. Even though Dave’s bed wasn’t quite as nice as the one Karkat had in the castle, he couldn’t imagine a more comfortable way to fall asleep. Dave’s lips were soft against his jaw and his body was warm, and the affection Dave lathed on him was lazy and indulgent. When Dave spoke, his voice was quiet. “You’re staying the night, right? I’m not gonna catch you trying to sneak out and ride home or anything?”

Karkat snorted softly, running his fingers idly through Dave’s hair. “Yeah, I’m staying the night. At this point, I don’t think I’d have the energy to try and go home if I wanted to.”

There was a pause. Then Dave asked, “Will you stay longer? Tomorrow, I mean. Just stay a few days, just to make sure you’re recovered.”

Karkat knew immediately that he was going to say no. But… it sounded so good. Staying out here with Dave, helping him in the fields, listening to the old ladies flirt back and forth like teenagers, sneaking kisses whenever he got a moment alone with Dave, sleeping next to him… It would be perfect. But he had a job to do, and he couldn’t just not go back to the castle. Somewhat reluctantly, he shook his head. “I can’t.”

“You could,” Dave tried.

“No, I can’t,” Karkat said, more firmly. “I’ve got stuff to do tomorrow, and even if I were going to take time off, I’d have to get approval for it, which I’m not going to get. Plus, my potions are at home, and I kind of  _ have _ to take those every day.”

Dave groaned, pushing his face into Karkat’s shoulder. “You could just go get them and bring them back.”

“I could, but that’d be a huge pain in the ass, and I’m still not going to get time off.”

“That’s so lame. You’re so lame.”

“You’ve got me for tonight,” Karkat said, kissing his head. “That’s it. But I promise I’ll try and get time to visit soon this time. I won’t be gone so long.”

“You better.” Dave sighed, lifting his head long enough to give Karkat a kiss. “I wish you’d just stay.”

“I wish I could.” Karkat sighed too, watching the clouds through the window as they drifted past the stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reading this chapter now u can probably tell why it took me so long to get out this bitch is a whopping like 8k all on its own skdjfns i wldve broken it in two but theres no good place to stop it TuT i simp hard for my beta for editing this monster god
> 
> ch3s in editing now so that should come out sooner!

**Author's Note:**

> i posted it w/o notes and immediately regretted it umm ok so i do have this entire outline planned out in detail and i am like 70% ish sure that its going to be about six chapters so hopefully it shld be easier to finish than my last fic (lmao TuT) but i will finish this i swear!! im working on ch2 rn its happening


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